Funny whatsapp status

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Funny WhatsApp Status

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.

Your WhatsApp status says “online.” If you’re online, why aren’t you texting me?

I told him to be himself. That was pretty mean I guess.

My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Do you think I’m cute when I’m mad? Well, buckle up sweet cheeks – I’m about to get freakin’ adorable.

You seem to be on your own path. Unfortunately, there’s a “socio” in front of it.

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

Never laugh at your partner’s choices… You’re one of them.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Quotes for WhatsApp

An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist is afraid this might be true.

I was going to take over the world this morning, but I overslept.

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together so I’d have to see them every day.

“I’m going to bed” really means… “I’m going to lie in my bed and look at my phone.”

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

Status unavailable. Please reload and try again.

I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I want to be invited but I don’t want to go.

She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favourite reptile is.

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade”.

Currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.

I salute all my haters with my middle finger.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Me? Sarcastic? Never.

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

Hey there! You are using Whatsapp.

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I’m a mile away and I have his shoes.

Be smarter than your smartphone.

If you’re still looking for that one person who will change your life, take a look in the mirror.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Your body is allergic to some people. Know how to read the signs.

Sometimes you just have to throw on a crown and remind them who they’re dealing with.

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

I never argue, I just explain why I’m right.

I’m naturally funny because my whole life is a joke.

I am not perfect, but I am a limited edition.

Hey there, WhatsApp is using me.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favourite reptile is.

If at first, you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Fair warning: I know karate. …and some other words.

True friendship: Walking into a person’s house and having your Wi-fi connect automatically.

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I would request a last meal of soda and pop rocks so I could die on my own terms.

We aren’t friends until we start insulting each other daily.

There is no “I” in denial.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and terrified, like the passengers in his car.

I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking that men spend thinking.

They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?

I don’t worry about terrorism. I’ve been married.

Do photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I eat my tacos over a tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don’t even own bikes!

I have three kids and no money. Why I can’t I have no kids and three money?

If you think no one cares about you, try missing a couple of car payments.

Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

I’m not lazy. I’m just on battery saver mode.

I love that our effortless friendship fits perfectly with my laziness.

Quotes for WhatsApp

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Zombies are looking for brains. Don’t worry, you’re safe.

Apparently, I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is… Scaring men is easy.

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them works.

If people are talking behind your back,  that’s a good time to fart.

Don’t worry about what I’m doing, worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking that men spend thinking.

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

Dyslexics are people poo.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Someday you’ll go far, and I hope you stay there.

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Quotes for WhatsApp

The employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Hey, I’ll be back in five minutes. If I’m not, just read this message again.

I’ve been diagnosed with “awesomeness.” You might want to get checked, but I doubt you caught it.

I would call my fashion style “clothes that still fit.”

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

You smell like hidden motives, get away from me.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

If you wear a bikini you’re showing 90% of your body. I’m so polite, I only look at the covered parts.

You’re so lucky that I’m terrified of prison.

My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters… But if I take a single one of her dresses, suddenly “we need to talk.”

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

Of course, I talk to myself! Sometimes I need expert advice.

Be nice to nerds, they will be your boss one day.

Quotes for WhatsApp

Make your weird light shine bright, so the other weirdos know where to find you.

I’m so tired, my tired is tired.

I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already.

I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job on the road crew, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.

The police called to say one of my friends escaped from a mental hospital. Which one of you crazies got out and where should I pick you up?

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

You’re weird. I like it.

God is really creative, I mean… just look at me.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he’s still making fun of me.

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I like to stay in bed. It’s too “people-y” outside.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

I’m not short, I’m a people McNugget.

I’m in shape. “Potato” is a shape.

I like dating older people because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments. Which means they’re ready for me.

Sleep is my drug… my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.

I don’t think my iPhone is working. I pressed the home button, but I’m still here.

Girl, you’re like a car accident, cause I just can’t look away.

Don’t you hate it when people answer their own questions? I sure do.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nicely for him anymore.

Can we please go back to the main menu of life? I think I accidentally chose an “impossible” mode.

I’m not fat, I’m fluffy.

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