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Dad Jokes, Memes, One-Liners & Humor

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Best Dad Jokes

Dad jokes require a sure stage of finesse, however these jokes roll off the tongue with little effort. In any case, they mix a stage of wordplay and pun mastery that few individuals can pull off, so get pleasure from!

Funny Dad Jokes

Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks?
Mini-soda.

Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All of the fans left.

What did the dad say when his son asked if he got a haircut?
He said, no I got them all cut.

What happened when the boy asked if his dad could you put his shoes on?
He said, no, he doesn’t think they’ll fit him.

Why did the dad tell his family to avoid the sushi?
Because he said that it was a little fishy.

Cheesy

Want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, I won’t tell it because it’s just tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
It has really great food, but there’s no atmosphere.

Why did the cookie cry?
Because his father was a wafer so long.

How do hair stylists speed up their job?
They take short cuts.

What is a boxer’s favorite drink?
Punch.

Dad Jokes Meme

Bad Dad Jokes

What is a dad’s favorite thing to eat at the movies?
Popcorn.

Why couldn’t the kid stop reading the book about anti-gravity?
Because he said that it was impossible to put down.

What’s the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.

What did the man say in the elevator about the operator?
This job really has its ups and downs.

Why did the man stop his origami business.
Because it folded.

Why did the man hate the movie about the earthquake?
Because it had so many faults.

What did the girl say when she dropped her piece of gum on the floor?
I guess it wasn’t mint to be.

Why didn’t the comedian share his chemistry joke?
Because he was afraid he wouldn’t get a reaction.

Why don’t fathers wear sunglasses?
Because they only wear dad glasses.

Corny Jokes Meme

Corny Jokes

What kind of shoes does a thief wear?
Sneakers.

What did the bartender say to the jumper cable at the bar?
I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.

What did the woman leave the seafood disco last week?
Because she pulled a mussel.

Where can you get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.

What do you call a man with no nose and no body?
Nobody nose.

What did the man say about his sick cat?
He doesn’t think it’s feline well.

Why do we need geometry?
Because life is pointless without it.

How can you tell that a train just went by?
It leaves its tracks.

Great, Corny Jokes.  Is that an oxymoron?

Good Jokes

Why couldn’t the woman ever lose weight?
Because she said it keeps finding her.

Why is the athlete playing soccer?
Because he’s just doing it for kicks.

Why did the man stop working his job at a shoe recycling shop?
Because it was sole destroying.

Where did the one-legged waitress work?
At IHOP.

What happened when the two antennas got married?
They had a great wedding and reception.

Why didn’t the man get any camouflage trousers the other day?
Because he couldn’t find any.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time.

Why don’t honest people need beds?
They don’t lie.

What did the boat say to the pier?
What’s up, dock?

Why did the cucumber call 911?
It was in a pickle.

Terrible Jokes

What did the mountain climber name his son?
Cliff.

What happened when the boy asked his dad to make him a sandwich?
His dad said, poof, now you’re a sandwich.

How do you make a steak pun?
Medium well done.

Why is milk the fastest liquid on earth?
It’s pasteurised before you even see it.

Why don’t ants ever get sick?
Because they have little anti-bodies.

What do you call a poppa candy?
A sugar daddy.

What did the light bulb say to its mother?
I wuv you watts and watts.

Punny Jokes

How much did the man charge for his batteries today?
Nothing, they were free of charge.

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

What did the painter say to the wall?
Don’t worry, I got you covered.

What do you get when you cross a mouse with a squid?
An octopus.

How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.

What is a good password that’s eight characters long?
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
The flag is a big plus.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web.

One-Liner Jokes

If you were a vegetable you’d be a cute-cumber.

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

Every night at 11:11, I make a wish that someone will come fix my broken clock.

I’m not indecisive, unless you want me to be.

I once walked in on my parents while they were in bed. But they were asleep, so I left.

I want to see something with the clothed eye.

Pennies are a dime a dozen.

I don’t like relationships. I get seasick.

From my point of view, all I can see is a point.

I once saw a court stenographer transcribe a mime’s testimony.

I once painted a self-portrait of someone else.

I’m just itching to tell you about my allergies.

On the sunny side of the street, it’s a little bit warmer.

I once found a needle beside a haystack.

Top Ten Selected by the Poet’s Panel

We never know the love a parent till we become parents ourselves.~ Henry Ward Beecher

One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
~George Herbert

The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.~Tim Russert

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass.” “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys.”~Harmon Killebrew

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.~Charles Wadsworth

I think that my strong determination for justice comes from the very strong, dynamic personality of my father. I have rarely ever met a person more fearless and courageous than my father. The thing that I admire most about my dad is his genuine Christian character. He is a man of real integrity, deeply committed to moral and ethical principles. He is conscientious in all of his undertakings. If I had a problem I could always call Daddy.~Martin Luther King, Jr.

The quality of a father can be seen in the goals, dreams and aspirations he sets not only for himself, but for his family.~Reed Markham

A man knows he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.~Gabriel Garcia Marquez

A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.~ Unknown

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person: he believed in me.~Jimmy Valvano

From Daughter

It is a wise father that knows his own child.~ Shakespeare

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
Harry Truman

It’s only when you grow up and step back from him–or leave him for your own home–it’s only then that you can measure his greatness and fully appreciate it.~Margaret Truman

Good Father’s Day Sayings

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.~Mark Twain

The greatest gift I ever received came from God – I call him Dad!~Unknown

Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.~Unknown

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.~Unknown

My dad, like any coach, has always stressed the fundamentals. He taught me responsibility, accountability, and the importance of hard work.~Steve Young

Average fathers have patience. Good fathers have more patience. Great fathers have an ocean of patience.~Reed Markham

Funny Father’s Day Quotes

When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.~Dave Atell

On the perfect Father’s Day. There would be just Dad, wearing his oldest surviving undershorts, free of pressure, maybe just sitting in front of the TV, watching the NBA finals. There would be no conversation, other than Dad periodically observing that these players today could carry the ball across Montana and never get called for traveling. Of course, that’s not all. You’d also make a restaurant reservation, and at the end of the day, you’d dress up and go out and have a nice dinner, during which you’d propose a toast to Dad. Who would be back home, in front of the TV, happily asleep in his veteran underwear.~ Dave Barry

Every father is the architect of his home life.~ Reed Markham

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.~Rodney Dangerfield

Me and my dad used to play tag. He’d drive.~Rodney Dangerfield

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children.~ Clarence Darrow

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.~Jimmy Fallon

My daughter got me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.~Bob Odenkirk

You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.~Jerry Seinfeld

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
John Stewart

Father’s Day Quotes for Husband

There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.~Peter De Vries

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.~Jimmy Fallon

There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.~Jim Gaffigan

Amusing Quotations

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.~Bob Monkhouse

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.~Martin Mull

My daughter got me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.~Bob Odenkirk

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.~Robert Orben

Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then, fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher’s mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.~Jimmy Piersall

Hilarious Father’s Day Quotations

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.~Ray Romano

I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.~Rita Rudner

Father’s Day Sayings From Son

You can tell what was the best year of your dad’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.~Jerry Seinfeld

The only Father’s Day tradition in my family is the annual conversation he and I have where I say, ‘Hey, Dad, what do you want for Father’s Day this year?’ and he says, ‘Nothing.’ Then I ask my mom what I should get him and she says, ‘He likes sandalwood soap, dangly jewelry and Chanel No 5 perfume.~Michael Showalter

My dad was my best friend and greatest role model. He was an amazing dad, coach, mentor, soldier, husband and friend.~Tiger Woods

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.~Homer Simpson

Dad, even when you weren’t holding my hand, you always had my back.~Unknown

Inspirational Sayings About Dad

She did not stand alone, but what stood behind her, the most potent moral force in her life, was the love of her father.~Harper Lee

What you teach your children, you also teach their children.~Unknown

I’m a father. That’s what matters most. Nothing matters more.~Gordon Brown

A good father is one of the most unsung, upraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society.~Billy Graham

Dads are most ordinary men turned by love into heroes, adventurers, storytellers, and singers of song.~Unknown

A father is a man who expects his children to be as good as he meant to be.~Carol Coats

Any fool can have a child. That doesn’t make you a father. It’s the courage to raise a child that makes you a father.~Barack Obama

A father is a banker provided by nature.`Unknown

There’s no shame in fear, my father told me, what matters is how we face it.~George R.R. Martin, A Clash of Kings

A father’s words are like a thermostat that sets the temperature in the house~Paul Lewis